Couples Corner: Bids for Connection
At the heart of every delightfully mediocre Hollywood RomCom is the grand gesture: the moment where the hero knows they’ve made a big mistake [cue in lightbulb epiphany moment!] and pursue their loved one in a grandiose gesture that flouts all traffic rules and airport regulations and culminates in a perfectly crafted declaration of love worthy of the bard himself.
Admit it. We all love a grand gesture, a bold declaration of love. Promposals. Over the top marriage proposals. The lure of romance novels where people are swept off their feet by an intense, passionate stranger. The “I can’t live without you” trope that looks so good on paper and yet is so, so problematic (but that’s a post for another day).
It makes for great entertainment—that scene where the veil of ego and fear has been lifted and they come back together all clear-eyed and ready to love right (preferably in the rain, while traffic is stopped but nobody minds because it is just so adorbs). Sigh and swoon. Now that’s a dopamine hit!
The grand gesture speaks to our need to feel special. To feel seen. The thrill of being the object of that much affection. Though we may deny it, most of us want someone to make at least a minimal fuss over us once in while. We want a reminder that, in the drudgery of every day, we are still capable of passion and of inciting desire.
Enter Valentine’s day: a complicated combo of cynical consumerism, and commemoration of love. It is a day designated for the grand gesture, for all the performative signs of romance: shower your one and only with the clichés of roses and expensive chocolates! Make elaborate plans for a stay at a resort for what my partner likes to call expensive shagging (always the romantic…)
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not poo-pooing it, though I used to.
As I get older, I have much more reverence for rites and rituals as an important way in which we honour what’s important in our lives. And heck, even my gen-x, cynical self—though cringing at admitting all this right now—is not immune to the propaganda. Deep down, even she wants to feel special with at least a card or a chocolate.
But deep down I have no illusions – I recognize Valentine’s day and the grand gestures for what they are: mostly performative, weird, societally-sanctioned mating rituals that can go deeply wrong when the day itself becomes a symbol of unmet needs and fractured hearts…
Like New Year’s Eve, the expectations are high and the chances of not meeting them even higher.
Check-in:
What comes up for you around Valentine’s day? Do you poo-poo it as another capitalist plot to release you from your hard-earned money? Or do you secretly hope to be asked to be someone’s Valentine? Or, like me, a bit of both?
If we remove the consumerist cloak for one second and think about the concept, what does a day to celebrate the love in your life mean to you? How do you want to recognize those you love? How do you hope to be recognised?
And finally, how can you recognise that love on a daily basis, and not just on February 14th?
How to Celebrate Love on a Daily Basis
Enter the Gottmans again. One of the most useful concepts they’ve given us is that of Bids for Connection, small, simple acts that help us turn toward our partners and build deeper, sturdier relationships. A bid for connection can look like:
Following your partner’s gaze when they point something out on a walk
Squeezing their hand back when they take yours in theirs
Checking in when they look sad/stressed/etc.
Responding when they react to something on the news
Allowing you to put your very cold hands on their back to warm up (okay, this last one is all about me. Though I torture him, I am very grateful that my partner lets me warm up my circulation-challenged extremities on his very warm back. Thank you very much for your service, C. I appreciate and see you!)
In their Love lab, the Gottmans observe couples as they interact. They found that successful couples (those that thrive long term) respond to bids of connection about 86% of the time while those that eventually divorce only respond to bids around 33% of the time.
Which is a data geek way of saying: SMALL THINGS MATTER. PRESENCE MATTERS.
The more you can be present for the small things in your relationship, the more robust the infrastructure is to weather the harder stuff when it comes along.
Don’t get me wrong—bids for connection are not always small. They can be as big as an entreaty to look at a dynamic that is not feeling good for a partner in the relationship. Or a request to change your behaviour or move far away so one person can follow a dream.
Bids for connection are when we put ourselves out there, risk the vulnerability of letting our partner know what we need in order to feel safe, loved and supported. Responding to one of these bids doesn’t always mean agreeing or complying, but it does mean listening in good faith and with an open heart and being willing to have an honest conversation about it.
Couples check-in (to do with your partner, or with friends, family or even yourself):
Can you name some of the bids for connection your partner made today? How many did you respond to? What stopped you from responding to the ones you missed?
How many bids for connection did you make today? How many do you feel were responded to? If you didn’t make any, what stopped you?
What are meaningful bids for connection in your relationships?
What are some small (and big) ways you would like to connect with your partner? That you would like them to connect to you?
If possible, be curious ad non-judgemental about what comes up. Ask questions like what about this is important to you? How does it feel when I respond to this bid? How does it feel when I don’t?
This valentine’s Day, why not go beyond the grand gesture and pay closer attention to the little, everyday ones? After all, that’s where love resides for the other 364 days of the year.
