Couples Corner: Discerning between Wrong & Wrong for Me
Let’s set the scene…
Last Saturday night, my partner and I are having a cozy, intimate evening at home. We’re getting into our pyjamas and preparing to cuddle up on the couch to watch a movie together when his dad phones.
They end up speaking for over an hour, while I sit on the couch waiting for him.
Now, my rational brain knew that my partner was just being a good son.
My emotional brain, however, was PISSED. I thought we had plans. I thought we were having a nice stay-at-home date night. Am I not important to him? Do I not matter? Am I going to be taken for granted again? Am I invisible?
The result? Instead of pivoting my expectations of that evening and occupying myself with something else, I end up doom scrolling on my phone and waiting for him to join me, growing more irritated and offended.
Check-in
· What is your reaction to this story so far?
o Do you feel like defending my partner? Me?
o What emotions come up for you? Anger? Anxiety?
· Does this scenario seem familiar to you?
o Are there moments when your partner’s actions, though innocent, hurt you?
o Are there moments when your partner’s reaction to your behaviour seems confusing? A little bit crazy?
Who is Wrong?
When my partner finally got off the phone, I told him how I was feeling.
Actually, if I’m honest, I first made a passive-aggressive comment. “Do you think you could be chattier? I guess we’re not watching a movie now.”
But then I quickly took a breath, apologized and tried again. I told him that I respected and appreciated him for wanting to be a good son to his dad (which I do, I really do) but was a little miffed as I thought we were having a date night. I didn’t raise my voice, and I owned my own feelings.
And yes, I feel like I deserve a medal, or at least a really nice participation ribbon. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but regulating our emotions so we can respond in a manner aligned with our values IS NOT EASY! It’s even harder if you you’ve experienced traumatic relational experiences in the past, because the past will come flooding into the present.
Personally, it’s taken years of practice, including reading books about communication and many failed attempts.
My partner, to his immense credit, heard what I had to say, apologized sincerely, and then explained what was going on for him in that moment. He feels guilty for not finding the time to call his Dad more so when his dad calls him, he wants to be as available for him as possible.
Which I could hear and appreciate.
He hadn’t done anything wrong.
What I was feeling was not wrong either.
See? Nobody was wrong! We were both right: his intentions were good, and my emotions around waiting for an hour were also valid.
The Trap of Shame
We took a minute and I could see he was processing something. I asked him what he was feeling and he said shame. He didn’t want to hurt me or make me mad and he felt he had done something wrong.
This is where many couples get bogged down. It’s uncomfortable when our partner isn’t pleased with us. It is doubly uncomfortable to think that we may have caused our loved ones pain, however inadvertently.
This idea that because someone in the relationship is upset at something the other did, that the other is automatically the asshole is simplistic and flawed. It’s also a recipe that leads straight to shame and unhelpful relational dynamics.
When someone is in their Shame, they can respond in several different ways, none of them very productive. The way in which shame manifests depends a lot on their attachment styles, as well.
If they are avoidant, shame may show up in the following ways:
· Defending their position (What? You don’t want me to call my dad? What’s wrong with you?)
· Dismissing their partner’s feelings (Oh come on, we were just going to watch a movie, who cares? Why are you making such a big deal of this?
· Anger at their partner (You’re always on me for something! I can’t do anything right! You are such a controlling bitch!)
· Contempt (you can’t even entertain yourself for one hour while I do something else, you’re pathetic)
If this had been my partner’s response, that feeling that I didn’t matter would have been confirmed while his feeling that he’s a bad person would have been maintained.
If they lean more toward the anxious, Shame may show up as:
· Self-flagellation ( I am a shitty person, you think I suck, etc.)
· Over-apologizing (I am so, so sorry, don’t be mad at me, I’ll never do it again, etc.)
In this case, if this had been my partner’s response, I would have had to spend more time comforting and reassuring him while my own feelings would have gone untended. The result would have been the same: my feeling that I didn’t matter would have been confirmed and my partner would deep down still feel like he is a bad person, despite my reassurances.
Check-in
· Do you recognise yourself in any of the above behaviours?
o If so, pay attention to your reaction: is there a part of your body that feels tight or clenched? Where?
· Do you recognise your partner in one of the behaviours?
o If so, how do you usually respond?
· If none of the above seems to fit, how (if at all) does shame manifest in your interactions with your loved ones?
The Gottmans’ 4 Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse
Drs. John and Julie Gottman are two psychologists who have been running the “Love Lab” for several decades, where they conduct research on how couples interact. Their data allows them to predict with eerie accuracy whether a couple will make it or not. Their findings suggest that if any of the following behaviours are present, the couple is heading towards self-destruction. They call them the 4 Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse
1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Stonewalling
4. Contempt
This video gives a short overview of how these 4 horsemen may show up in your relationship and what you can replace them with —what the Gottmans call the “antidotes” to the 4 Horsemen.
And here is a handy infographic— print it out and post it on the fridge, or above the kettle! Wherever you are most likely to heed the reminder…
How Do We Avoid this Happening Again?
Truthfully, we probably won’t. The Gottmans research tells us that 69% of problems a couple faces are perpetual, compared to just over 30% which are solvable. Perpetual problems are the ones that arise from core differences in personality and lifestyle.
What we did do, is talk about how we can avoid it in the future. He came up with some ideas that he is going to try to implement going forward.
Will it happen again? Probably. Will I go to the same place of feeling like I don’t matter and that I am invisible? Probably a little. That’s my past flooding me in the present and all I can do is take responsibility for recognizing and then regulating my own emotions because the fact that I am feeling flooded does not give me the right to take it out on my partner.
This issue may not be resolved to the extent that I would like, but at least I know I can talk to my partner about my feelings and that he will take them seriously. On the flip side, my partner knows that he was not wrong or bad or selfish, that there was no flaw in his personality and that he wasn’t being judged as an uncaring, selfish man. He knows I see his good intentions and know that he wasn’t trying to hurt me.
And most of the time, that is more than enough to get back on the couch, cuddle up and reconnect.
