The Legacy of War on Family Systems
My grandfather and grandmother on their wedding day in 1943 right after his return from 2 years of bombing German shipping in the war.
This Remembrance Day, I found myself thinking of my father and my grandfather. My grandfather served in WWII. A tail gunner in the Demon Squadron, he ran strikes against German shipping on the Coast of England from 1941 to 1943 and by all accounts were very successful at their job. And yeah, a tail gunner is that guy who hangs out at the back of the plane with his head inside a glass bubble like a large bull’s eye for enemy aircraft. Not stressful at all…
What did it take for him to climb back into that claustrophobic seat night after night? How did it feel to know that he was shooting at actual people who were shooting to kill him? I wonder what he did with his fear. Where did he bury it to keep on going? How did he emotionally survive that much adrenaline?
I am not sure he did. My grandmother said he wasn’t the same man when he came back from the war. Still, it was the 40s and he did what all people of that generation did— he sucked it up and pretended everything’s okay. They got married, moved to Vancouver Island and had 6 children, five of whom survived. After suffering numerous heart attacks he died at the age of 47 when my dad was 18.
I am three years older than my grandfather ever was.
I don’t really know a lot about my grandfather. I don’t know if he was a kind person, a joyful one, or if his presence sat heavy on the family. My Grandma didn’t really talk about him much, nor did my uncles and aunts. Maybe I didn’t bring him up enough. Maybe it never came up. I’m not sure why, but I wish I had asked more questions.
My dad, the eldest, was born with a desire to fly. It is the only thing he wanted to do. He joined the air cadets in high school, learned to fly at the little airport outside Duncan. Joined the air force after graduating high school (the same year his father died) and never looked back. He flew jet planes all over the world as part of the RCAF and NATO.
Sometimes I wonder how it must have felt to be so high up in the clouds, going so fast. He must have been a bit of an adrenaline junkie, my dad.
Sadly, he died when I was eight when his plane crashed and so I never knew really knew him.
I am now twelve years older than my father ever was.
My grandfather holding my father in 1944.
So. War. How has it affected my family? How did having a grandfather with PTSD impact the family system? These are questions my sisters and I are just beginning to explore as we learn more about how violent, traumatic events like wars leave their legacy in our bones and in our systems.
I just got a moment of vertigo thinking of all the generations of families in the world who are carrying the legacies of war in their bones. I doubt if anybody has been left untouched.
Bowen Family Systems Theory and the Genogram
According to Murray Bowen, there are several ways family systems manage stress (either external anxieties like finances, stressful jobs, school, etc. or internal anxieties like when a family member is an alcoholic or dealing with substance use, etc.).
1. Triangulation: when one person pulls in a third person to release their anxiety and balance conflict. The prime example of this is a parent enlisting their child in an argument with their spouse. This allows the parent to feel better and more able to cope with their spouse while leaving all their anxiety on the child. This usually results in parentified, over-functioning and overly responsible children.
Can you think of examples of triangles in your own family system?
How do you relieve your anxiety in your family?
Who do you talk to?
Who do you not talk to?
2. Enmeshment: when a family has poor boundaries and individual identities in the family are very blurred.
Here is an example from my own life: My sisters and I realized we were very enmeshed (a typical response in families that have undergone trauma together). When we were growing up, what happened to one sister, happened to us all. If my sisters did something that made me uncomfortable, like dating a person I didn’t think was right for them, it felt unbearable and I resented them for it. Their choices felt like mine to fix. This would usually result in triangulating my other sister to relieve my anxiety. As adults, we have had to grapple with this enmeshment as we strive to grow together without being constantly up in each other’s grill. We are still learning.
Does your family tend towards enmeshment or cut-off? I like to think of it as a spectrum, with the needle vacillating between the two depending on who is involved and the circumstances.
Can you see patterns of this throughout the generations?
How does enmeshment look like in your family?
3. Emotional cut-off: though it may seem like the opposite, emotional cut-off is its own form of enmeshment. Instead of porous boundaries however, it is characterized by rigid boundaries. The typical example of cut-off is when one or several members of a family decide to break off contact with one member because they said or did something that felt unacceptable to the others. The worst is when someone is cut-off because of who they are. For instance, when a person comes out of the closet to their family and is cut-off.
Is there one person in your extended family that nobody talks about? (Cue in the song We don’t talk about Bruno…)
Is there a trend in your family to stop talking to people when they have pissed you off?
Does your family have rigid boundaries around what is acceptable behaviour and how one should be in the world? Around politics or religion?
4. Differentiation of Self: This is when a person has developed enough of a sense of their own selves to be able to stand their ground in relation to others. This means that a person can manage their own anxiety while not reacting to the anxiety in others. They can fully honour their own emotional experience and make space for someone else’s experience, even if it is very different than their own.
Basically, differentiation of self is our ultimate goal as humans, according to Bowen. It is to be able to be ourselves while still remaining connected to others.
The Genogram
There is a very powerful tool I sometimes use with clients developed by Bowen called the Genogram. Basically, the idea is that we do not live in a vacuum and that who we are and what roles we play is shaped by our interactions with those closest to us. Bowen believed that emotional patterns repeat themselves from generation to generation as learned ways of coping with anxiety.
A genogram maps these behavioural trends in the family. It looks like a family tree, but in addition to listing the deaths and births it will also have symbols representing divorce, re-marriage, who is triangulated, enmeshed and cut off. It will show where there are mental health issues, substance use, incarceration, etc. as well as anything that is relevant and impactful on the family system.
It is a powerful tool but can pack an emotional punch. Personally, it was the single hardest thing I did when I was studying to be a counsellor because it graphically laid out how three generations of fathers in my family died sudden, early, violent deaths. It also showed very clearly the impact of those deaths on my generation.
My sisters and I have had to take a breath, and re-examine our lives through the lens of our family system. Though challenging and full of grief, it has also been healing because it has led to a deeper understanding of the external and internal pressures that shaped us, which has helped us differentiate ourselves better while still remaining connected.
If you’re interested in exploring your family history and how it has shaped you, or if you feel like understanding how both you and your partner’s family history may play a part in any miscommunications or conflict you may be having, I recommend going through this exercise with your therapist as it can get heavy quickly.
Regardless of whether you do it with a therapist guide or on your own, if you embark on the genogram journey, do so with compassion, non-judgement and most of all curiosity. All families are doing the best they can with what they’ve been giving and it looks different for everyone.
And though Remembrance Day has passed, let’s remember those family members who fought in wars and take a moment to reflect on how their experience may still live within us.
Learn More
The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family
A great website to begin your exploration of Bowne family Systems concepts.
Gilbert, Roberta M. (2017, 2nd edition). Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions. Leading Systems Press.
A book to help you understand how the lessons you learned from your family system may be colliding with the lessons your partner learned in their family system.
Richardson, Ronald, W. Dr. (2011, 4th edition). Family Ties that Bind: A Self-Help Guide to Change through Family of Origin Therapy. Self-Counsel Press.
This book is an oldie but goodie- short but sweet, it provides an easy-to-read map on how to get started exploring your own family system.
Genograms
If you are interested in making a genogram for yourself, there are sevral apps you can use, if you are so inclined. A few of them are: Venngage, Edrawmax, Creately.
However, I just made mine with powerpoint. It was a bit awkward, but I didn’t have to pay and I could play around with it a little better.
And if you are even more old school than me, you can always just get a piece of paper, a ruler and a pencil to draw it using this cheat sheet of symbols.
