What Does “Doing the Work” Even Mean?
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” —Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
Greyson Orlando, CC BY 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0>, via Wikimedia Commons
I am sure I am not the only one who was glued to their TV set last night, watching with a lot of anxiety the results of the American election. Though the results were far from what I had hoped, my main emotion right now is humility. If there is one thing I pride myself on, is being able to make space for the experience of others and I feel like I am failing at it right now.
This is a vulnerable admission to make on this platform. But I think an important one. We all have our blindspots, our areas where our biases take control of our system and start driving our bus. Instead of staying under the comforting blanket of moral outrage, I want to lean into this very uncomfortable feeling I have that on a deep level, I’m not understanding how destabilized and disenfranchised many people feel given the rapid pace of change in the last few decades.
This massive wave of fear, not helped by a global pandemic, is, I suspect, the force behind the pendulum swing to the right we are witnessing in this world, where political platforms seek to amplify and manipulate people’s fear and anxiety for political gain.
But the problem with making rules based in fear is that we become overly risk averse, allergic to change, even when that change can make our lives better.
If we are to go move through this world with courage and compassion, we first need to find our footing, trust that we are standing firmly in the space of our own agency and power. Then we can begin to practice the necessary discernment needed to accurately assess risk, and begin to explore options and policies that may risk changing how we do things, but in the end work better for everybody.
But first, we need to understand our own triggers, or own fears and anxieties to ensure they will not be manipulated for someone else’s agenda. And also understand when these same triggers are getting in the way of our own growth and connection with others. To “choose one’s attitude” and “one’s way” we need to figure out who we are and what we stand for. And that is where “the work” comes in.
Last night showed me that I still have a lot of work to do in terms of understanding my own triggers and making space for difference. I doubt I am the only one.
Doing the Work with a Capital W
What I am talking about when I am talking about the Work, is no less than the ongoing Work of becoming, of growing and maturing into the full you-ness of you in this grand experiment we call existence. One of my favourite Jungian writers, James Hollis (2010) explains “doing the work” thus:
“The developmental process that leads to our growth, maturation, and fuller personhood is a continuing vocatus, namely, “a call”. Rising from deep within us, the call comes to change—to die unto the old understanding and adaptations, the old comforts and compromises—and when we resist the call of our psyche we grow sicker and sicker, or more and more depressed, and have to work harder just to stay in place.” (p.238)
This requires developing Awareness and Acknowledgment of all parts of ourselves, even those parts we are ashamed of or that we don’t like. Once we can Acknowledge them, then the process of practicing unconditional Acceptance of ourselves in all our flawed glory begins. Finally, it means developing true Accountability of one’s impact on others.
Basically, it means a lot of A words: Awareness, Acknowledgement, Acceptance, Accountability.
Now, I call this Work because it is easier said than done. It is emotionally messy and sometimes bloody work (metaphorically speaking…hopefully).
We love to use the transformation of a caterpillar into a butterfly as a metaphor for self-actualization. On the soundbyte level, it works very well and is all beautiful cocoon and monarch butterfly wings. Spread your wings and fly creature formerly known as caterpillar!
But in researching this post, I was curious about the actual process of metamorphosis—What goes on in that cocoon? How does a caterpillar actually transform into a butterfly? Turns out, to become butterflies, caterpillars need to literally digest themselves. As this macabre Scientific American journalist put it, “If you were to cut open a cocoon or chrysalis at just the right time, caterpillar soup would ooze out” (Jabr, 2012).
If ever there was an apt metaphor for how it feels when confronted with the need to change, I think caterpillar soup may be it; We literally have to digest ourselves to become ourselves.
But first. What happens if a caterpillar decides not to become a butterfly?
How does it look like when someone has not done the work?
It can look so many ways:
Repressing one’s needs and desires to keep relationships. (Spoiler alert, it rarely works. I know. I tried.)
Lying, cheating on ou partner because we can’t bear to acknowledge what we need or to face ourselves.
Keeping relationships at a surface level in order to not get hurt.
Avoiding adult responsibilities and decisions because risk and change are so terrifying that paralysis seems a better response.
Spiralling into a shame shell the moment your partner voices an unmet need or some critical feedback so that you never have to confront change.
Numbing feelings through work, alcohol, food, exercise.
And on and on…
When we are not going through life embodying our full selves, when we feel (either subconsciously or consciously) like we have to shut parts of ourselves away in order to fit in to our families, communities, relationships, we create a sort of pressure cooker in our system that manifests as pathology. When we don’t do anything about it, it can lead to depression, anxiety, relationship issues, health issues, etc.
Sometimes the negative affects can feel comforting, sort of a “better the devil you know” thing. If you recognize yourself in any or all of the description above and feel called out, don’t worry—absolutely no judgement. At any point in my life I am guilty of at least one of those things. And if you’re not ready to embark on this work, that’s okay too. I mean it when I say it is hard and uncomfortable. Be gentle with yourself and curious as to what aspect is scary for you. Mostly, take it slow. You get to be in charge of your own timelines.
The Work is a Calling
At some point in our lives though, we are called to pause and examine ourselves, our behaviours and our life. Usually this happens around midlife, when the hustle and bustle of developing the ego strength we needed to untangle ourselves from the apron strings of our family of origin and face the world as adults starts to wind down and we notice that things in our life are starting to crumble. The car, the house, the spouse are not as shiny as they used to be. Nothing seems to mean anything anymore. We no longer know where we stand.
It is a deeply uncomfortable place to find oneself and the consequences can be very real, because this coming of age isn’t like when we were teenagers with unencumbered youthful vim and vigour and a blissful unawareness of mortality. No. This is a coming of age where we often have families and spouses and ageing parents as well as a whole lifetime of beliefs and survival strategies that used to work but don’t anymore. It is a coming of age that requires us to acknowledge that we are that much closer to death.
So, we come to the proverbial fork in the road. We can ignore the call of this coming of age and the reckoning with ourselves that it requires and cling to our status quo. With this choice, we virtually guarantee that we atrophy inside a prison of our own making.
Or, we can surrender to the experience and embrace the deep discomfort of metamorphosis. For that is what the work is: it is as painful as rearranging your insides the way a caterpillar does to become a butterfly.
This process is also not without consequence. Once you know yourself better and are more attuned to your own needs and desires, your relationships with others also change. It may mean some relationships need to end (or at least some relationship patterns). It could manifest as a radical pivot in your career or simply manifest as taking up of a hobby that brings you closer to your joyful, childlike self.
But it’s always worth it, because at the end you are able to be you in the world in a way that feels lighter, less encumbered, more you. And can you imagine what we can tackle on a collective level if we all felt a little lighter, less encumbered and more ourselves?
Captain-tucker, CC BY-SA 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0>, via Wikimedia Commons
Questions for Self-exploration
What comes up when you think about embarking on this work of self-exploration?
What do you hope for?
What do you fear?
What is the price of doing this work? What is the price of not doing it?
References
Frankl, Viktor. (2006). Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press.
Hollis, James. (2010). What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life. Gotham Books.
Jabr, Ferris. (2012, August 10). How does a caterpillar turn into a butterfly? Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/caterpillar-butterfly-metamorphosis-explainer/
