How To Be in a Divisive Time
The BC Election was just declared a couple of days ago,.It took over a week after the election day to declare because they needed to do a recount in the many ridings where there were less than a 100 votes between the parties. To me, this feels like the spookiest thing coming our way this Halloween, the possibility that we are becoming as polarized as our neighbours to the South.
Speaking of which, the U.S. election is a week away and the rhetoric in both is reaching… I don’t even know what to call it. Epically vitriolic proportions? A chasm of polarization? An unparalleled epidemic of failure to communicate? Of basic respect for others?
Check all of the above.
It reminds me of a long-term dysfunctional marriage where communication didn’t just break down— it was never there in the first place. Think of a marriage where all the perceived slights, dismissals, and insensitivities have not been addressed or repaired. Instead, they’ve accumulated like bricks, the pile getting bigger and bigger as the years go on. Until one day, the pile of unaddressed hurt has solidified into a wall lined with barbed wire. Any attempt to get closer results in open wounds.
So. How do we begin to heal on both the macro and micro level of our lives?
The answer is both simple and very, very complicated:
We start with ourselves.
I personally believe that what happens on the collective, macro stage (the geopolitical arena, pop culture, etc.) is rooted in our individual, micro lives. Just as a child is only as happy as their parent, our world is only as healthy as our relationships to ourselves and others.
Bold statement, I know. I will repeat it. The world we create on a macro level is only as robust, kind, compassionate, respectful, empathetic, curious, non-judgemental, etc. as we are to ourselves and the people that surround us. If we are crappy to ourselves and others, we create a crappy world. If we react with anger and defensiveness to our partner all the time, we create an angry and defensive relationship. If we are unable to both have compassion and at the same time take accountability for our mistakes and the impact our behaviour has on others, then we create a world where shame and blame are in the driver’s seat.
A better world starts with a better relationship to ourselves.
This isn’t just a platitude, or another ad for performative self-care . No. This is the deep, deep work of growing up and more ourselves. It is the work of mapping the space we take up in the world then stewarding it in a way that allows us to be a force for good.
I meant to talk about communication in this post. How do we talk to people who may have very different opinions and views of the world than we do? But then I realized something. If we don’t have a sturdy sense of self, one that can withstand and be curious about the differences of others, it won’t matter.
No communication skill will help us through the discomfort of difference, only self-awareness and compassion. We will continue to be triggered by that Aunt who denies climate change, or the uncle who believes there is a conspiracy of lizard people who want to take over the world. Or, for examples that happen a little more frequently, we will not be able to sit in discomfort and listen with curiosity to the sibling who had a different experience of growing up than we did, or the partner who interpreted the argument we had in a very different way than us. They will talk, we will react with exasperation, disbelief, dismissal, eye rolling, and contempt.
And that, my friend, is how relationships die.
Building—in Harriet Lerner’s words— “a robust platform of self-worth” that isn’t in danger of toppling over when we inadvertently hurt someone with a harsh word, or someone inevitably hurts us, is the key to being able to take accountability for ourselves and our actions and offer true, healing apologies and corrective behaviour.
The key ingredient in accountability, the secret sauce so to speak, is self-compassion. Without self-compassion, shame takes over the wheel and drives us in the opposite direction of the lovely, welcoming, inclusive community of accountability and towards the chaotic, dangerous town of shame, where it is every person for themselves. Because being accountable for our actions means we have to confront our own behaviour and that is too threatening to shame’s rickety infrastructure.
To be able to see ourselves as flawed human beings who are nonetheless just as worthy of love, respect, kindness as anyone else, is the first step in being able to truly take responsibility for the impact (whether good or bad, conscious or accidental) we have on others.
And when we can be more generous with ourselves, we are able to be more generous with others. Just as we are doing the best we can, so are most everybody else, even if it may not seem like it at first.
And seeing others as flawed human beings who are just as worthy of love, respect and kindness as anyone else on the planet is where genuine curiosity and listening to understand germinates.
And where there is listening to understand and genuine curiosity, people feel seen and heard and understood.
And when people feel send and heard and understood, their pain lessens and they are better able to grow up and expand into themselves.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying we have to agree with what everybody is saying. I am also not saying we should put ourselves in harm’s way (either emotionally or physically) to seek to understand people that may not be willing or capable to engage with us in the same manner. We can have all the above qualities and lovingly choose not to engage with people we know will just hurt us.
For example, we can feel compassion and even love for an abusive parent while honouring our own experience and respecting and loving ourselves enough to not engage with them.
What matters is how we show up for ourselves because it is how we will end up showing up for others.
So, in this very divisive, stress-inducing election season, instead of railing against the other side of the political divide I invite you to take this opportunity to look inward.
Questions for Your Consideration
How are you feeling about the state of the world right now?
Try naming those feelings aloud (e.g., I feel extremely anxious, I feel very angry, I feel scared or indifferent).
Where do they live in your body?(e.g., a tightness in the chest, a feeling of nausea, a clenched jaw).
How does it feel to simply notice those feelings, to name them?
How do you feel about confrontation?
How did your family of origin deal (or not) with confrontation?
Do you have a different view of confrontation with your partner/friend/family member?
How does this impact the relationship?
Think of a time where you were triggered by someone else’ opinion.
What emotion was triggered in you?
Have you been triggered like this in the past?
What happened in your body? (e.g. did you get flushed? Did your throat close up? Etc.)
How did you react? (e.g., did you shut down? start yelling? Walk away?)
Where did you learn this reaction?
How do you feel about how you reacted?
It is going to be a crazy week this week with real and made up goblins vying for candy and power. Take care of yourself my friends.
